Saturday, 13 July 2013


Assalamualaikum w.b.t
confession : i am quite an impatient person.
when i dig deep within myself, i found that the thing i hate most, is waiting. no matter what form.
sometimes when waiting gets to my nerves, i get angry.
and when i'm angry, astaghfirullahalazim..
it's very disappointing.
i used to ask myself "why is it that you can change your outlook, change your lifestyle and whatnot, but you cant be patient and control your temper?"
everytime after i've done something stupid because i was too impatient.
that's the thing about me. i know i need to chill, to sabar and calm down, but the next time, the same cycle will happen again.

Allah Maha Adil.
He knows i'm an impatient person, so He tests me by letting me handle the most dugaan that i can't do.
i felt harassed almost everyday by the dugaan that i almost lost my temper.
since i cant just throw my tantrum at work, i let out by throwing rocks, slamming the door (as if that helps! pfft)
it doesn't and never did. but i do it anyway :/

then one day, not long ago, i did solat jemaah tarawikh in a masjid near my house.
on the second rakaat, the imam's mic's volume went lower thus causing the imam to recite the surahs louder so that we could all hear him.
but i couldnt hear him anyway..'cause of that, my mind started to wander.
i started thinking about the most random things and then suddenly i realised the imam dah rukuk.
so of course i followed. then i thought myself, "ya Allah, sorry ek.. apasal la i tak kuat iman no.. i hope You can wait for me (to be beriman enough)".

it was like a thigh slap given across my face as i stood for qiyam..

how dare i.. how dare i ask Allah to wait for me? whereas i couldn't even wait for others?
how can i ask Allah, to be patient with me, when i can't with others? 
how dare i ask Allah, to wait for me to be a better person, as if i'm the one who gets to decide when i want to die?
how dare me? :'(
surah Al-Fatihah:
Bismillahirrahmanirahim (In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful)
Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'aalamin (All praise and thanks are Allah's, the Lord of the Alamin - mankind, jinn & all that exists)
Ar-rahman ir-raheem (The Most Gracious, the Most Merciful)
Maaliki yawm id-deen (The Only Owner (and the Only Ruling Judge) of the Day of Recompense)
Iyaaka na'budu waiyaka nasta'een (You (alone) we worship, and You (alone) we ask for help - for each and everything)
Ihdina ssirat al-mustaqeem (Guide us to the Straight Way)
Siraat alladheena an'amta 'alayhim, ghairil maghdoobi 'alayhim wa lad-daleen (The Way of those on whom you have bestowed Your Grace, not the way of those who earned Your Anger, nor of those who went astray)

my life could be taken away whenever He pleases , and there i was, i asking Him to wait.
"how dare you..." i kept saying to myself..indeed. how dare me..

im sharing this side of me which i'm ashamed of to those of you reading this. and i'm sharing it 'cause i know there are some people who share this same problem.
we're only human. we make mistakes and we;re far from perfect.
but it's time to change. we'll never know if we have a 'tomorrow'.

so here's my resolution. instead of a list of things that i want to do,
i only have one thing that i need to do.
i need to be patient.
 to be patient when doa, performing prayers, listening to others, eating, executing tasks, basically everything and anything, in sha Allah.

Surah Al-Imran (3:120)
"..but if you remain patient and become Al-Muttaqun(the pious), not the least harm will their cunning do to you"

Surah Hud (11:115)
"and be patient, verily, Allah wastes not the reward of the good deirs."

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